


a sad fact of modern life

by iamremy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Ish) - Freeform, Art, Canon Compliant, Dialogue, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Pennywise makes a cameo, Wincest Reverse Bang (Supernatural), Youtube AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:41:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24632494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamremy/pseuds/iamremy
Summary: The boys make a YouTube channel with the intention to easily be able to spread knowledge to new hunters and help them out.It goes downhill within minutes, but that's not always a bad thing.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 37
Kudos: 83
Collections: Wincest Reverse Bang





	a sad fact of modern life

**Author's Note:**

> i had SO MUCH FUN writing this, you guys don't even know omg. the moment i saw emma's art for it the entire fic popped into my mind fully formed. though tbh i had to consult with my sister a lot, because i don't watch youtubers and she watches like, ALL OF THEM.
> 
> i hope you all enjoy it! it's set vaguely at some point after the boys Acquire jack.
> 
> special thanks to the mods for putting together an awesome reverse bang like they always do; to emma for the art; to pooja and sanjana for all the motivation and love; and to my sister, for finally putting all that pointless youtube knowledge of hers to good use. this fic would not exist without you guys.
> 
> title from the following quote in the book _broken homes_ by ben aaronovitch: "it's a sad fact of modern life that sooner or later you will end up on youtube doing something stupid. the trick, according to my dad, is to make a fool of yourself to the best of your ability."
> 
> you can find the art post for this story [here](https://emmatheslayer.livejournal.com/640178.html)!

** **

** Hello, We’re the Winchesters **

“Wait, is the camera on—”

“Yeah, hang on, let me focus it—”

“Yeah. Okay, let’s roll?”

“Let’s roll.”

 **[Clears throat]** “Hey everyone, I’m Dean, this is my brother Sam, and uh, this is our channel. And, uh, before we begin, I’d just like one thing on the record. This was _not_ my idea.”

“ _Dean_ —”

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, Sammy, _I’m_ not the one who decided it’d be fun to parade ourselves on the goddamn Internet—”

“Will you just shut up and go on?”

“Which one, man? Be specific.”

“Dean.”

“Ugh, fine, fine. Anyway. Some of you may already know us because of what we do, but for those of you who’re new – we’re hunters. No, not deer and shit. We hunt things that go bump in the night, the things you’re afraid to look for under your bed. Yeah, they’re real. But don’t be having a crisis just yet – Sam and I got your backs.”

“Yeah. We do the tough jobs so _you_ can sleep safer at night.”

“You’re welcome, by the way.”

“On our channel we’re hoping to show you, um, how we do the things we do, and maybe give you some advice if you want it. I know this isn’t, um, very conventional, but it’s the easiest, most convenient way Dean and I could think of—”

“Just you, man, I had nothin’ to do with this, _I_ wanted to start a mass email chain—”

“Yes, we _know_ , Dean, but no one opens email chains anymore, this isn’t 2007—”

“They might if it was important!”

“How many unread emails do you have again?”

**[Silence]**

“Well?”

“…around ten thousand.”

“I rest my case. At least people watch YouTube, dude.”

“Yeah, we’ll see who’s so smug when we get, like, ten views.”

“You gonna let me finish, or are you just going to keep complaining?”

“ _Ugh_ , whatever. Just finish it so I can get back to my sandwich.”

“You and your sandwich, man. Anyway! Um. Let us know what kind of content you wanna see in the comments, and we’ll see what we can do! Thanks, and, um, see you all later!”

“Yeah, bye. Wait, how do you turn this thing off—”

“Record button again, Dean—”

“Nothing’s happening—”

“You got sandwich grease all over the screen, of _course_ it’s not gonna work—”

****

** Hunting Hacks + Dean’s Cherry Pie **

“Hey everyone, it’s Sam and Dean. Um, I hope you’re all doing well. Today we’re gonna be filming from the kitchen, because Dean refuses to leave until he gets the cherry pie right. Hey, what try is this again?”

“Fuckin’ _ninth_.”

“And how’s it going?”

“Not good, man. I just can’t get the consistency right—”

“Yeah. So anyway, um, we were kinda blown away by the response on our video, and I personally was really happy because I got to tell Dean to suck it, which makes me happy.”

“Thanks a lot, all of you. Made me look like a dumbass.”

“Go make your pie.”

 **[Mockingly]** “ _Go make your pie_.”

“What are you, six? Anyway, so uh, a lot of you asked how Dean and I do the things we do, and, well, honestly, a lot of it’s down to experience.”

“That, and a shit ton of dumb fuckin’ luck. Seriously.”

“Well, _yeah_ , but there are some things too that you can do to make hunts a little bit easier. Some of these, Dean and I learned from other hunters, and some of these we came up with ourselves. Um, I’d do a tutorial, but—”

“I feel like that’d be insulting their intelligence, man. They’re hunters. If they don’t know how to do this stuff without step-by-step instructions, they shouldn’t be hunting to begin with.”

“Yeah, fair enough. Also, there are plenty of tutorials on WikiHow even for the weirdest crap, so uh if you’re feeling confused, you can always check that out.”

“Seriously. WikiHow’s got _everything_.”

“Yep. Anyway! Getting into it, um. I know a lot of you have had trouble with demons, they’re difficult to hunt and—”

“They tend to get… possessive.”

“Seriously? Dude, that’s not even remotely funny.”

“Shut up, I saw you trying not to smile. You know I’m hilarious, Sammy.”

“You’re _not_.”

“Am too.”

“No.”

“You gonna record or just gonna argue like you’re a frickin’ toddler?”

“ _Ugh_. Well, anyway, protective charms work fine, they’re effective in the short term, but if you’re making a habit of hunting down demons, you could get an anti-possession tattoo. Um, like this one.”

“Whoa, Sammy, showing ‘em your tits already? I thought we were gonna wait for the third video to do that.”

“God, Dean, shut _up_ —”

“Aw, you’re blushin’!”

“Stop laughing!”

“Fine, fine. Anyway, so like Sammy said, you can get that tattoo. I’ve got one too, and no, I’m not gonna be showing it off. It would also help a helluva lot if you memorize the Latin exorcism. Both long and short versions.”

“Put Devil’s traps _everywhere_ that you can. They can be a lifesaver.”

“But honestly? My advice would just be to avoid demons if you can. Nasty little fuckers. Don’t go after ‘em if you haven’t got the experience for it. This is not a video game where you get to respawn and try again. Real life doesn’t work that way and just ‘cause we make it look easy doesn’t mean it _is_.”

“Yeah. We’ve got decades of experience. We were literally raised in the life, which I know is not the case for a lot of you. So please take hunts seriously, because lives are at stake. If you don’t think you can handle a hunt, there’s no shame in passing it along to someone who’s got more experience.”

“Okay, so, uh, that’s that on demons, I think. Um… what else, what else—right! Werewolves.”

“There’s not just one type of werewolf. Purebreds are different from those freshly turned, and freshly turned wolves are different from those who were born wolves. All of them can be killed with a silver bullet to the heart, but how dangerous they are depends on what type they are.”

“Don’t go after ‘em alone. Hell, don’t go on _any_ hunt alone. This is the kind of thing where the buddy system works. You might have noticed the most long-lived hunters are the ones with partners.”

“Yes, that’s true. Oh, and networking! Build up contacts. All that lone wolf macho stuff is just gonna get you killed. Build up a network of hunters you trust, and don’t be afraid to ask them for help on anything. And of course, you can always contact me or Dean if you need help on lore or research, or anything at all. Right, Dean?”

“Yeah, ‘course—” **[oven bings]** “Sammy!”

“What?”

“My pie’s done!”

“Think it’s turned out right this time?”

“One way to find out, man. Where’d you put the mitts?”

“ _I_ didn’t put them anywhere—oh, that smells nice.”

“Right? Oh, there they are—let’s see what’s up. Hand me that knife, would you?”

“Here.”

“Thanks—oh, that’s nice and crunchy… okay, hand me that plate—lemme taste—oh. _Oh_. Sammy, man you gotta try this.”

“Yeah? Hang on—oh. Oh that _is_ good. Wow.”

“Lovin’ the faith.”

“What! It’s your ninth try, forgive me for having my doubts!”

“Yeah yeah, I’m just playin’ – oh man I’m having another slice. You want more?”

“Yeah, gimme!”

“Glad you like it man. Hey Sammy, guess what?”

“Mm?”

“I may have learned how to make it, but you’ll always be my cherry pie.”

 **[Groan]** “Oh man, that is _awful_. Did you just wink? God that makes it worse.”

“Shut up, you love it.”

 **[A pause, then a sigh.]** “Yes. Yes I do.”

“I knew it! See, I’m always right. Anyway—so, uh, if any of y’all have any questions you can leave them in the comments below, and Sammy and I’ll get to them soon’s we can. Later!”

** Dean’s Cherry Pie Tutorial **

“Seriously? _Seriously_? We started this channel for helping y’all out with hunting, _not_ recipes.”

“Well, Dean, to be fair, that pie was delicious. Looked good too. And I don’t even like pie that much.”

“Wait, what? You don’t like pie? Sammy, what the _hell_?”

“Come on, you knew that! I mean, pie’s nice, I just wouldn’t put it in my top ten—”

“Christ, you spend all these years with a person and just when you think you know them—”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Dean—”

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, you little traitor—”

“Dude, it’s just pie—”

“Just pie? _Just_ pie? God, Sam, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore!”

“Will you just shut up and start? We’re gonna be stuck here all day—”

“You started it!”

“No I didn’t—”

“Yes you _did_! Okay, we’ll let the public settle this—tell us who you think started this in the comments.”

“It’s not me.”

“We’ll find out soon. Anyway, so a lot of you asked how I made the cherry pie, so I guess today I’ll be showing you how. Okay, so the first thing you need is, um, a kitchen. And an oven. And cherries.”

“Wow. Should I clap? I feel like I should clap.”

“You can also get an assistant, who’s supposed to stand around and look pretty like Sammy here. Though if you can, try and train ‘em to dial down the sass. Don’t you roll your eyes at me, Sammy.”

“I feel like there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere. Am I blushing?”

“You’re not even half as funny as you think you are, man. Just stop talking and lemme teach all these fine people how to make some excellent pie. So! You’re gonna need pie crust – I’m not gonna show you how to make that, I’ll just get Sammy to put in a link for that later – and, uh, like, a metric fuckton of cherries, pitted and halved—”

“Are those measurements in metric or American?”

“Ha, ha. Ignore him, y’all, he thinks he’s contributing. Uh, you’re also gonna need sugar, and vanilla essence – I’ll put the measurements in the description or something – um, corn starch, a _liiiiitle_ bit of almond extract, uh, some lemon juice, unsalted butter, and an egg. For, you know, the egg wash.”

“Why does that sound like something dirty?”

“It’s just you, Sammy. Don’t taint my cherry pie.”

“So dramatic.”

“What _ever_. Oh, and you can also get some sugar to sprinkle on top if you want. It’s optional. How much? Uh, as much as you want. Go wild.”

“You know, you should be on MasterChef. They’d love to have a culinary genius like you on their show.”

“Sam I swear if you don’t shut up—”

“You’ll what? Bake me to death?”

“Bitch, watch me. Anyway, now you’ve all got your ingredients, and your crust – you lay ‘em out on the counter, like this, and then you grab your pretty but mouthy assistant – that’ll be you, Sammy – and you find yourself some candles, and something to paint with. Um, not blood.”

“Though if you wanna be dramatic, then red paint’s fine.”

“Yeah. Then you draw this symbol, I’ll have Sam put it up on screen, and then you say this: _ad ligandum eos pariter eos coram me._ ”

“Which’ll summon a demon, whom you can ask to bake the pie. Be warned, though, it’ll probably ask for a slice in return.”

“Best hope it’s in a good mood, or it could hurt you though. Might wanna keep your devil’s trap and anti-possession charm handy.”

“Or get a tattoo.”

“Aw, I thought you were gonna show them your tit again.”

“Shut _up_.”

“Blushing again. Seriously, it’s so damn _easy_! Anyway, the demon’ll bake you your pie, and that’ll be that. Try not to sell your soul over. I know cherry pie makes it seem worth it, but it’s _really_ not. Believe me, I’d know. I sold my soul for cherry pie once.”

“Maybe specify.”

“Oh, I don’t mean an actual pie. I meant Sam.”

“Just – he’s kidding, please don’t sell your soul or summon any kinds of demons, Dean’s just trying to be funny, and we’ll put a link to the recipe he used in the description. Do _not_ summon demons.”

“Yeah, we were kidding. Or were we?”

“Yes, we _were_.”

 **[Sigh]** “Yeah, Sammy says we were. So we were. See, this is why you need a pretty assistant. They come in handy. Even the mouthy ones. We will _not_ be responsible for any injuries or deaths sustained by someone being an idiot and taking us seriously. Just follow the recipe in the description. No demons. Cool? Cool.”

“Oh, and we’re thinking of doing a Q&A session for our next video, so if anyone has any questions you’d like answered – about hunting, or lore, or anything at all – drop a comment and we’ll do our best to answer.”

“No asking for Sam’s nudes. He only sends them out if you pay.”

“ _Dean_!”

“Sorry, sorry. He doesn’t send them out.”

“I don’t have nudes—”

“My phone says otherwise.”

“You’re the literal worst, I’m so— _ugh_.”

“Shut up, you love me. Anyway, comment and let us know how the pie turned out, and if you actually enjoy us making fools of ourselves on camera, hit subscribe.”

“Little bell icon gives you notifications whenever we post.”

“Each subscriber gets an exclusive Sam Winchester nude—”

“ _No_.”

“Ugh, _fine_. Killjoy.”

** Q&A **

“Wow, okay, I did not expect that we’d get so many subscribers already.”

“I think it’s because of my charming personality and stunning good looks.”

“Let’s just agree to disagree.”

“Bitch. Anyway! So Sammy and I took some time and went through all your comments, and we decided to tally ‘em and see how many of y’all think it was Sam who started the fight last time, and how many of y’all think it was me. Sam’s a little nerd, so he made a pie chart, you can see it on the screen now, and the result is – 50/50. I cannot fucking _believe_ that.”

“Exactly 50/50.”

“So obviously that means I was right.”

“What? No it doesn’t!”

“Yeah, it does, ‘cause I’m older, which means that I’m always right.”

“That’s not how it works!”

“Quit arguing, Sammy, we got a video to shoot.”

“ _Ugh_.”

“God, it’s so easy to rile him up, it just makes me so damn happy inside. Anyway, so I guess we’ll just go on to your questions now. Uh, okay, first one is from **CNovak19** – oh, she’s just calling us lame old losers. Thanks, kid, we love you too.”

“Then there’s **BigGameHunter** – he’s asking, and I quote, _are you two fucking each other_?”

“Yes, BigGameHunter. Yes we are. Would you like to know how we do it?”

“Maybe don’t – don’t give out that kinda information just yet. Right, next we’ve got, uh, **FortyMileBanana**.”

“Is that a dick joke? I’m pretty sure that’s a dick joke. What do they say?”

“They’re asking if we started the Apocalypse.”

“Which one?”

“They didn’t specify.”

“Well, guess they’ll never know then. Let this be a lesson, kids. It pays to be specific. Right, next we’ve got **Cool Assbutt** – oh no.”

“Cas?”

“Yeah, looks like. Damn, man, who did this to you?”

“What’s he asking?”

“He’s asking, uh – _you are almost out of toilet paper and laundry detergent_. Thanks, Cas. We knew.”

“We’ll stock up, Cas, don’t worry.”

“Do you think he knows how this works? ‘Cause I don’t think he knows how this works.”

“Don’t be mean, Dean, until a couple weeks ago _you_ didn’t know how this works.”

“I’m just sayin’ – he’s older than I am.”

“Dude. Stop it. He’s trying to be nice, okay? Don’t you remember what happened the last time we ran out of toilet paper? You were stuck in there for four hours—”

“OKAY, time to move on! Next question is from **StudMuffin69** – nice username – and they want to know if we’re fucking. Yes, StudMuffin69, we are.”

“ **RobotLicker420** also wants to know the same thing.”

“So does **GrotskyLittleByotch** – oh, they’re asking our favorite position. So it’s like this, right. Now, you guys probably know Sam’s a bendy guy—”

“NEXT QUESTION.”

“Ugh, fine. Wet blanket. Next question is from, uh, **ButtSaxophone**. Man, what is with these usernames?”

“They’re asking which demon you summoned for the cherry pie.”

“I didn’t summon any demons. That was a joke.”

“Wait, that’s not the whole comment. _I followed your instructions and ended up with a demon named Amon. He refused to leave until I got him enough ingredients for forty pies. I only have enough for around thirteen this month, and so he has moved into my guest room. He is reading over my shoulder as I write this, and he always leaves towels on the bathroom floor and never takes out the trash. My cat hates him. I blame you, Dean._ Wow. That’s… wow.”

“How is this my fault? I repeatedly mentioned I was joking and not to summon any actual demons! No, ButtSaxophone, I’m sorry, pal, this is entirely on you.”

“Have you tried the Latin exorcism? Maybe give that one a try and let us know how it goes.”

“Until then, just think of him as the world’s worst roommate. Okay, uh, next question is from **RoynWalt** – ugh.”

“What are they asking?”

“How come we’re still alive.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Fuck you bitches, I’m not tellin’. Get fucked. I hope you bastards stub your little toes every damn day. I hope you have food poisoning every day for a month. I hope you nick yourselves shaving, and that your socks are always damp and filled with sand, and that your food is always undercooked. You bastards. You absolute motherfuckers. I’d kill you myself if Sam didn’t—”

“Dean.”

“Sorry, man. You know I hate them.”

“Yeah, I think I got that from your little rant.”

“They’re little bitches, man. Fucking cockroaches.”

“Let’s just move on to the next question, okay?”

“Okay, Sammy. Um, this one’s from **NougatBoy3** – oh, hey, kid.”

“Hi, Jack!”

“Aw, look at you smile. Anyway, he’s askin’ if we can go to Disneyland this weekend. Well, kid, I was actually thinking that, uh, not this weekend, but—”

“Yes. Yes we can. Dean, we’re going to Disneyland this weekend.”

“Man, come on!”

“He wants to go, Dean!”

“You’re such a pushover, dude, you gotta learn how to say no to him—”

“But why? He wants to go, so let’s go! Not like we had any other plans.”

“Sammy—”

“Besides, _I’ve_ always wanted to go too, and you never took me.”

“Dude, that’s not fair, you can’t give me the eyes—”

“Please?”

“Ugh. Fine. _Fine_. We’re going to Disneyland. Happy?”

“Yes!”

“Man. The eyes should be classified as a lethal weapon.”

“What eyes?”

“Don’t act so innocent. Little brat. You _and_ your kid. Don’t give me that smile, you know I’m right.”

“Okay, Dean, if you say so.”

“ _Ugh_. Anyway, last question—”

“Wait, last already?”

“Yeah, the rest are all a variation on _are you fucking_ and other stuff like that. Anyway, this one’s from **BlahBlahBlah** and they want to know how you get your hair so shiny, Sam.”

“Um. Wow. Uh, I don’t really do anything—”

“Lies, the bathroom’s full of your hair shit.”

“Dude, it’s just shampoo and conditioner.”

“Yeah, ‘s what I said. Dunno why you need all that crap.”

“What, _conditioner_? You can’t be serious.”

“I am, dude. Shampoo’s more than enough. And your conditioner smells girly as fuck.”

“Didn’t you complain endlessly about it that one time I switched brands? You said my hair didn’t smell as good.”

“That – that never happened.”

“You went out and bought ten bottles of my favorite brand and told me never to switch brands again.”

“Lies.”

“You sniffed my hair the moment I got out of the shower—”

“Okay, I think that’s it for now! As always, comment if you’ve got any questions! Subscribe for more! Bell icon for notifications! Bye now!”

**[Video cuts off in the middle of Sam laughing]**

** Bunker Walkthrough **

“So, um, we ended up not going to Disneyland.”

“And it’s all Dean’s fault.”

“What—how is it my fault? It’s not like I busted up the car on purpose!”

“Oh, but it needed new spark plugs just when we wanted to go? How _convenient_.”

“Do you honestly think I’d fuck up my Baby on purpose just so we could stay home? How could you, man. I’m – wow. _Wow_. As if I couldn’t just say no.”

“You did say no. Multiple times.”

“And then I said yes! Not my fault the car needs maintenance every now and then—”

“Look, Dean, I’m not saying you did it on purpose, but I’m not _not_ saying that, either.”

“Ugh. I’m done with you, man. I cannot believe you’d accuse me of something like that—”

“I didn’t _accuse_ you—”

“Aaaaaaanywho, for today’s video we’re just gonna do a walkthrough of the bunker where we live. Not all of it, because we’ve gotta have some secrets, right? But just enough of it that you kinda get an idea of where we live and what we do.”

“Yeah, um, so. Some history as Dean walks us through the place. The bunker was made by the Men of Letters over half a century ago.”

“They’re like hunters, but, you know, nerdier. Research and lore and scientific shit.”

“Yeah. Our grandfather, Henry Winchester, was a member, which makes us legacies. Unfortunately, they all died out a long time ago, so it’s just us now, mostly.”

“Well, the Brits too, but those smarmy dicks don’t count.”

“So right now we’re in the war room, which is mostly where we panic about what to do next whenever we’re in trouble. There’s this table, with a map of the world—”

“It glows sometimes! Whenever something fucky happens anywhere in the world, we get a sort of, uh, notification here. The place lights up on this map. It’s pretty cool. There’s alarms too.”

“And over here’s the library, and it’s got books on pretty much _every_ subject known to man. Anything you wanna know, you can find it here.”

“And there’s a sword!”

“Yeah, Dean loves that sword.”

“Don’t roll your eyes at me, you love my sword too.”

“Oh my God. Oh my _God_. Just – _no_.”

“I’m hilarious, honestly, you need to appreciate me. Anyway, just over here we’ve got the kitchen. It’s pretty cool, it’s got, like, _everything_. I do most of the cooking, because Sam can’t make anything more complicated than a grilled cheese.”

“I did make spaghetti that one time.”

“Didn’t you set off the fire alarm?”

“Well, _yeah_ , but—”

“I rest my case. Hey, check out the coffeemaker. We just got a new one and I’m in love. Not as much as Sam, though – one of these days I honestly think he might leave me for it.”

“Don’t be stupid—”

“What, it’s true! You literally said you would yesterday morning.”

“That’s because you woke me up at 4 AM to tell me you finally found a spare fan belt for the Impala.”

“Hey, it’s big news! Do you know how hard spare parts are to find? No, you don’t, because you never pay attention—”

“Anyway, here we are in the corridor, um, and this is Dean’s room. Dude, when was the last time you cleaned?”

“I dunno, when was the last time I slept in there? Uh, three days I think. Count your blessings, man, it could’ve been worse.”

“Yeah, at least there are no radioactive pizza leftovers.”

“What’s wrong with radioactive pizza leftovers? Maybe I was gonna get superpowers from them, you never know!”

“I think our lives are complicated enough without all of that crap, Dean.”

“Killjoy. Anyway, here’s where I keep my stuff, and I’ve got this awesome TV that Sam hogs just to fuck up my Netflix preferences because he thinks it’s funny.”

“I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t watched porn on my laptop and accidentally downloaded, like, ninety viruses.”

“No pain, no gain, man. Still doesn’t warrant you messing with my Netflix. A man’s Netflix is sacred, Sammy.”

“So’s my laptop, Dean!”

“Whatever. Anyway, over here we’ve got Sammy’s room. As you can see, Sam’s got no sense of interior decoration—”

“I just like my things organized, okay. Also, you can’t hate it _that_ much, you’ve been camped out here for three days now.”

“Your sound system’s better, okay. And I forgot to renew my Prime subscription, so I’m using yours.”

“Yes, that’s why you’re here. Has nothing to do with anything else.”

“Okay, fine, and your bedsheets smell better. Happy now?”

“What a difference it can make, actually changing your sheets.”

“Don’t sass me, Sammy. Okay, why don’t you continue, and I’m just gonna go pee.”

“Seriously? In the middle of filming? Why didn’t you go before?”

“Well, I didn’t have to go before, did I? Don’t make that face, man, I don’t control my bladder. Here, take the phone—see you in a bit.”

“Ugh. Okay, well, now you’ve, um, seen our rooms, and that’s mostly it. There are a lot of other rooms, um, probably belonged to the Men of Letters when they were all here, but now we use them as guest rooms for when people stay over. Mostly it’s Cas, he’s got his own room here, and so does Jack. Occasionally we’ll be contacted by hunters that wanna lay low for a while, just stay under the radar or heal from injuries, so we’ve got some rooms for them too. Um, that corridor over there just has archive rooms, and um, over there’s the gym and the shooting range. There’s also this _huge_ garage, with all these cars and some bikes too. Needless to say Dean loves the place. Oh, we’ve got dungeons too. Literal dungeons. I won’t be showing you those. No one needs to see those, but anyway, they’re way over there.

“Um, there’s also this super cool greenhouse, it’s a bit closer to the surface. I’d show you guys, but it’s night and there isn’t much light to see by, so. Maybe I’ll put up some pictures later. Oh, and this is mine and Dean’s favorite room. He calls it his mancave of solitude or something ridiculous like that. Wait, right, Fortress of Deanitude. Yeah. Clearly I have no input in that name, just so that’s on the record. He built it up in his spare time and then surprised me with it, which was actually really nice. Um, so let me just open the door—

“JESUS CHRIST! Oh, there’s a clown, oh fuck, oh shit, _how the hell is there a clown_ —

 **[sound of gun cocking]** “Stay back! I’ll kill you, I swear—”

“Sam! Don’t shoot, man—”

“What— _Dean_?”

“Yeah, dude, it’s me, fuck, I was just trying to fuck with you—”

“What the _fuck_ , Dean?”

“Dude, I had to, you were accusing me of sabotaging the Impala—”

“So you thought you’d, what, scare me?”

“Did it work?”

“Not the point!”

“Ha! It did, didn’t it? Look atcha, you’re all white—”

“Dean, I’m not kidding, I _will_ shoot you—”

“Okay, okay, put the gun down, Sammy, Jesus, why do you have a gun while we’re at home?”

“Well, you never know when some asshole might dress up as goddamn Pennywise and jump out from behind a door.”

“Okay, I walked right into that.”

“Yeah. You jerk. Oh my God.”

“Haha, got you, though.”

“You gonna get out of that ridiculous costume any time soon?”

“Aw, baby, if you wanted me to strip for the camera you just had to say so.”

“Dean, just _shut up_.”

“Okay, okay. Damn, tough audience. You gonna continue filming?”

“Yeah. You’re not _that_ scary, you know.”

“Hey, I’m plenty scary!”

“Nope. Just caught me by surprise. Anyway, here’s the room, it’s actually quite nice in here. We’ve got this nice flatscreen, recliners, a little bar over there, some foosball – and Dean made me a bookshelf for some of my favorite books too.”

“I’m thinkin’ about bringing in a pool table, too.”

“Oh, that’d be nice—why are you still in that costume?”

“Dude, I can’t take it off, I’m not actually wearing anything under it.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah! It wasn’t gonna fit over my clothes, man.”

“Can you at least get that makeup off? You look ridiculous.”

“Yeah yeah, I’ll do it the moment we come across a sink. Anyway, there’s a really weird Scooby-Doo story related to this room, but I guess that’s for another time.”

“Yeah, that was bizarre as hell. Um, anyway, this is pretty much it for the bunker.”

“And no, we will not be giving out the address. It’s a secret bunker for a reason. Like the Batcave!”

“Instead of Alfred, though, you guys get Dean the clown.”

“Hey, wait, I’m not Alfred! I’m Batman!”

“You are literally dressed as a clown. More like the Joker.”

“No! Sammy, c’mon, I’m always Batman!”

“Okay, Dean. Sure. Anyway, um, let us know what kind of video you guys wanna see next, and we’ll see if we can do it. And if you’ve got any questions, feel free to ask. Disclaimer, we will not be addressing any more questions about our relationship.”

“Yeah, it’s not funny anymore. Shit, Sammy, my face itches.”

“’S what you get for using dollar store face paint. You deserve all the skin disease you get from this.”

“Pfft, I’m not gonna get skin disease—”

“Haven’t you ever heard of contact dermatitis?”

“That’s not gonna happen—”

“You just said your face itches!”

**[Video cuts as the argument fades]**

** Hobbies and Leisure **

“Hey, we’re back! And it is with great pleasure that I inform you all that Sam did not, in fact, dump me after that clown prank.”

“Close call, though.”

“Please. If you didn’t dump me for that time I cut off all the sleeves off your shirts, you wouldn’t dump me for this.”

“You really overestimate your importance in my life.”

“Didn’t you start an apocalypse for me?”

“Well…”

“And that one time you released the Darkness. To save me.”

“I mean—”

“And all those times you nearly died trying to save my ass—”

“Okay, okay, fine! I get your point.”

“Ha! Knew you loved me.”

 **[muttering]** “Yeah.”

“See? He just likes playin’ hard to get. Anyway, a lot of you were askin’ how we spend our free time, so we figured we’d give you all a rundown of a normal day around here.”

“Um, so. I usually wake up first, around six or so, and I like to go for a run and work out right after. By the time I’m done Dean’s awake.”

“I make breakfast while Sam showers and then we eat together. We go over the news, and if there’s a case nearby we go check it out. If not, we usually end up in the library. Sam likes to research. A _lot_. ‘Cause he’s a nerd.”

“I’m the reason the library is even halfway organized.”

“Yes, and? Still a nerd.”

“Ugh. Anyway, some days Dean makes lunch, and some days we order in. In the evenings we usually spend time together doing something fun.”

“Yeah, we go down to the shooting range and see who can shoot the most bullseyes. Sometimes we play video games or watch movies in the Fortress of Deanitude – which by the way is an _awesome_ name, okay.”

“No. It is not. Sometimes I’ll go tend to the plants in my greenhouse. Dean joins me, if only so he can convince me to plant weed in there.”

“For medicinal purposes!”

“Such as?”

“Uh… you know… glaucoma… or something…”

“Literally nobody is going to believe that.”

“Comment and tell us if you believe me or not.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, isn’t that why we’re doing this thing? Anyway! Sometimes if it’s not just us, we play board games or card games with Jack or Cas.”

“Dean cheats at everything.”

“Hey, it’s not cheating! It’s… creativity.”

“You’re supposed to hustle other people, Dean, not me.”

“Gotta practice somehow, Sammy.”

“This is why we no longer play with money.”

“’Cause Sammy’s a sore loser.”

“No, because you cheat.”

“Nah, you’re a sore loser. Anyway, if it’s just the two of us, we either watch a movie, or we go for a drive.”

“Sometimes we have movie marathons, or we binge-watch shows.”

“Sam always falls asleep halfway through, though.”

“I get sleepy!”

“Yeah, I know. I don’t mind.”

“’Cause you get to steal my popcorn.”

“And ‘cause you look cute. I got a whole album of photos, man.”

“You – _what_?”

“Yeah! I thought you knew.”

“I didn’t. Oh man. You gotta delete those.”

“Why? They’re adorable as hell.”

“Dude…”

“Come on, you’ve got pics of me on your phone!”

“Nice ones!”

“Well, these are nice too! I’m not deleting them, man. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna post ‘em anywhere or send them to anyone, either.”

“Fine. Okay.”

“Cool.”

“Anyway, um. Where were we? Right, okay, we go for drives. We didn’t always have a home base, before, so we’ve spent a lot of our lives just driving around. I miss that, sometimes, and I know Dean does, too. So we set out, sometimes, and go as far as we can. It’s nice just to spend time with each other without worrying about a case or anything.”

“Yeah. Honestly I never thought we could ever have that. Our lives were pretty awful for a while and it seemed like it was never going to get better. I’m still surprised that we’ve somehow made it this far, and we’re alive and together and somehow, content.”

“Me too. But uh, If any of you feel the same way, like it’s all bad and it won’t ever get better… you’re not alone, you know? We’ve been there. And I promise, it _does_ get better. We’re proof of that.”

“Oh man. That was surprisingly heartfelt. I did _not_ think this video was gonna go in that direction.”

“Yeah. But, um, I’m glad it did. Feels good to be able to say all that.”

“Oh, _definitely_.”

“Oh, this reminds me! Uh, I know there’s a lot of stigma around um, the things we go through as hunters and how they affect us. But there’s no shame in needing help sometimes, and it doesn’t make you weak. And if anyone needs, um, professional help from someone who gets the life, you can call us. You know how to reach us. We know some people that could help. I won’t give out names, not here, but yeah, we can connect you to them if you need it.”

“Oh, you mean that shrink—”

“Yeah.”

“Gotcha. That’s a good idea, honestly. We’ve been there, the two of us, and it helped us clear out some things between us that we didn’t know how to talk about. So. It helps.”

“Yeah. Even when you think it won’t, it does.”

“And on that note—Sammy, wanna go for a drive?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah, why not? We’ll pack some snacks and go have us a little road trip.”

“That sounds great, Dean.”

“Cool. Right, so we’ll see you all later.”

“Oh! As always, if you’ve got questions, comment and we’ll do our best to answer!”

“Yeah yeah, they know, Sammy.”

“Well, yeah, but I’m just reminding them—”

“Yeah, okay, but we gotta end this—”

**[video cuts off mid-argument]**

** Q&A Part 2 **

** **

“Looks like we’re doing another Q&A then.”

“Y’all got a lot of questions.”

“Like, a _lot_. We’ll do our best to answer them all, but if we miss something, I apologize in advance.”

“Fair warning, we will _not_ be answering stupid questions.”

“Right, so – first question. **SoulfulGinger** wants to know _why_ we’re together. I guess that’s the next step from asking if we’re together.”

“Well, SoulfulGinger, it’s ‘cause I’m so hot Sam couldn’t keep his hands off me. And ‘cause Sam’s got an excellent ass.”

“Dean!”

“What, you do! Own it, Sammy. Aw, look, he’s blushing. Next question is from **JaggersBitch56** asking what my favorite album is. Uh, either _Led Zeppelin IV_ or _Physical Graffiti_. I can’t choose. What about you, Sammy?”

“Um, from the ones we listen to mostly, I like _The Black Album_.”

“Metallica, huh. Good choice. Thought you’d pick something by Elvis.”

“I mean, I like Elvis, but _The Black Album_ is my favorite from all the music we’ve got.”

“It’s definitely a great album.”

“Yep. Okay, um, **JetFuelSteelBeams** wants to know if – oh, wow.”

“What?”

“Um, they’re asking if monsters actually exist, or did we make all of it up so that we’d feel important? They’re also asking if we suffer from delusions.”

“Get fucked, JetFuelSteelBeams, you clearly know _nothing_. Why don’t you go to the nearest crossroads, see how real this crap is—”

“Okay, uh, let’s not do that. No crossroads. None of that.”

“ _Ugh_. Dumbass. If they don’t know if it’s all real, why bother watching all these videos?”

“Maybe they’re just bored, Dean.”

“Take up knitting then, asshat.”

“Or scrapbooking. Anyway, it’s **CNovak19** again, asking when we plan to return Jody’s Tupperware.”

“Soon, kiddo. Hopefully with some food in it, but don’t expect too much.”

“Just bake Jody a pie, Dean. She’d like that.”

“That’s… not a bad idea, actually.”

“Yeah. Okay, uh, **SadBoiHours** wants to know if— oh.”

“What? Ah, you wanna know when I’m planning on putting a ring on it. Well, the answer to that is—we’re already literally soulmates. Yeah, that’s an actual thing. No, we don’t know who’s soulmates with whom, we just know about the two of us. Anyway. He and I have never really needed symbols or labels to tell each other how we really feel.”

“You still wear the amulet, though.”

“Yeah, of course I do. That one I’m never letting go of ever again. But you know what I mean.”

“Yeah. Yeah I do. With me and Dean, it’s never been about things like labels or anniversaries or anything like that. It’s… a bit more complicated than it normally is for, um, other people.”

“Maybe ‘cause we’re related.”

“Uh. Well, yeah. But not just that, either. We’ve spent our entire lives with each other. At this point, I don’t need him to put into words how he feels. I always know from his actions. We’re secure enough with each other that we don’t feel the need to, um, keep saying it over and over or to, you know, get married or something.”

“Though we did technically make commitments to each other in a church.”

“There was no minister, though.”

“Eh, Crowley was there.”

“The King of Hell? Don’t think it counts.”

“Who cares, man? Far as I’m concerned, you’re it for me. As long as I know that and you know that, I don’t care about much else.”

“Yeah. Same here.”

“So, yeah. That’s that. And for anyone who’s planning on writing crap in the comments – Heaven says I’m allowed to bang Sam. So there.”

“Don’t think that’s what they meant.”

“They told us we’re soulmates, Sammy. I think that covers banging.”

“I mean, platonic soulmates are a thing, I think.”

“Good for them. I’m still gonna bang you.”

“Stop saying bang.”

“What do you prefer? Horizontal mambo? Boning? Boinking? Doing the old hanky panky? Buttering the muffin? Planting my flag? Laying pipe? Shtupping? Bedroom rodeo? Wait, actually, I kinda like bedroom rodeo.”

“You know _way_ too many euphemisms for sex.”

“Oh, baby, I ain’t even started.”

“Don’t.”

“No bedroom rodeo?”

“Not if you keep calling it that.”

“Fine, fine. I will now refer to it as sexual intercourse. Happy?”

“No, not really.”

“Whatever. Okay, uh, next question is from **Waterworks6532** – how do we handle purebred werewolves? Okay, uh, all hunting questions we’ll answer later. You’ve all got a lot of those and if we answered each and every one, this video would be way longer than it needs to be.”

“Moving on, then. **HeyMacarena** is asking what sort of organizational system I’ve got for the library. Um, nothing too complicated, I’ve got them sorted by language, and then by subject, and then chronological.”

“If that’s not complicated… what is? Nerd.”

“It’s not! I always know exactly where to find the book I need for whatever I’m researching.”

“Good for you, man. No, seriously, I joke a lot but you worked super hard and it’s kinda cool how you know where any book is at any given time.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

“No problem, man. Okay, next question is from **MrMonkeyMan** and he wants to know where I find spare parts for the Impala. Well, there’s some sites where you can find ‘em, but shipping’s a bitch and besides, availability is always an issue. You know how it is with classic cars. I’ve got some other Impalas and Chevies in the garage that I use as parts cars, though, if I need to.”

“We haven’t needed to, though, in a while. Dean takes great care of the Impala.”

“That I do, ‘cause she’s my baby and I love her. Not as much as Sammy, but she’s up there.”

“I’m honored, truly. Okay, uh, last question that isn’t about hunting – **RoboDoc** wants to know if we’re ever gonna go to Disneyland. Honestly, I’d like to say yes, but I just don’t know.”

“We might. Or we might not. I don’t know. Jack’s not home these days anyway, he’s off with Cas somewhere, and he’d kill us if we went without him.”

“We’ll see if we can plan a trip once he’s home. Sounds like it could be fun.”

“Yeah, until he throws up on a rollercoaster or something.”

“Hey, go easy on him. _You_ threw up on that rollercoaster when we were kids, remember? I must’ve been fifteen or sixteen, which makes you about twenty.”

“It had four loops, Sam! Real tight ones!”

“I didn’t throw up.”

“Lucky you, then! It’s not my fault, okay.”

“You had a lot of cotton candy and soda before and then you went on the rollercoaster thrice.”

“It was fun!”

“Until you threw up.”

“Will you quit bringing that up!”

“Fine, fine. Try not to repeat that this time, though.”

“I won’t.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

“That’s what I said.”

“I know that’s what you said.”

“What is the point of this argument, exactly?”

“What argument? We’re not arguing. This is… foreplay.”

“Foreplay?”

“Yeah! I get you all worked up, and then I bang you. Sorry, do the bedroom rodeo with you. Is that not how it works?”

“Not if you insist on calling it the bedroom rodeo.”

“Well, last time I did, you wore a cowboy hat and those boots. I’m not seeing the downside here, Sammy.”

“This time I won’t.”

“But you’ll still have sex with me?”

“Well, since you asked so nicely.”

“Hey, can you edit this so that _Careless Whisper_ plays over the video?”

 **[stifling laughter]** “You’re not serious!”

“I absolutely am, Sammy. One hundred percent.”

“For real?”

“Hell yeah. You do that, I promise not to refer to it as banging _or_ the bedroom rodeo.”

“Wow, what a deal.”

“Well?”

“Fine, fine.”

**[ _Careless Whisper_ plays as Sam opens his top button]**

“Hey—Sammy, c’mon, I’m not sharing!”

**[video cuts off abruptly as Sam laughs]**

**END.**

**Author's Note:**

> please comment and let us know what you guys thought! you can find me on tumblr at @[thelegendofwinchester](https://chesterbennington.co.vu/) and emma on livejournal @[emmatheslayer](https://emmatheslayer.livejournal.com/)!
> 
> love,  
> remy and emma


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